The cliche title of this entry reflects something that I have desired for so long.
I have always wanted my own room every since I was a child. But being, an only child for 7 years, I have been denied such privilege. All the time, there will be someone with me (except when I'm using the bathroom, of course :) ).
When my parents moved into our house at Ampangan, with 5 rooms, not one of them was mine. I still had to share with someone. *Sigh* Talk about being protective!
The only times that I had my own room with enough privacy were :
a) in my 3rd & 4th year at UKM - Pangsapuri Kamsis Rahim Kajai. I loved my room.
b) 1996 - 2000 : upon graduation, I get to move to so-called own room, but not much privacy, though. It is accessible by my parents, grandmother and sometimes my brother.
Back then, no one understands how much I want my privacy and how much I would really like to be left alone. The only time they wouldn't disturb me was when I was asleep. So, I never actually get to become a teenager who could lock myself up in my own room. My parents have a spare key to my room. *sigh* again!
When I started working in '97, I was probably the only lawyer in town without a room. When I was chambering, my boss gave me a table (at least) and placed me together with all his clerks. So, clients could easily mistaken me as a clerk as well.
After I completed my chambering, he seemed to forget that I was then his legal assistant and I deserved a room of my own. I had to actually tell him that, to make him realize. Even then, by taking me in, he refused to expand his practise physically. I was crammed in a room with another senior clerk. Luckily, I had no qualms with her. But that's not the point. As a lawyer, I do need my own privacy and thus, my own room.
Until I left the firm, I was still without a room. It was among other reasons I left the firm.
Starting my own practice at my own residence is not going to solve the room problem. All the rooms in the house are fully occupied. By then, I was already married. There's no way I can have my own room. In less than a year, a newcomer came and my desired privacy went out of the window.
Until now, I still wondered how did I ever managed to complete my writing without much of a privacy. But I still yearns for the room that I think I will never have. Now that I'm sharing my 1/10 of Ujana Ilmu for my writing space, there is no such privacy after all. I literally have to chase everyone out of the room to get my own breathing space. But Ujana Ilmu is expanding, there are times that I can't even spend a good quality time at my writing space.
I'm easily distracted. Therefore, I can't concentrate well when there's somebody else in the room. Not even a fly. I've tried the hotel, but I can't afford in everytime. I tried the dining room, but that didn't work. Either my kids swarmed at me for attention or someone else would want a casual talk with me when I'm in the middle of an important deadline.
I need a cave. I wonder what can I do or where can I go to have one.
A privacy is essential for a writer but no one seems to understand or even take a hint that I need that privacy. Do I need to slam on the door everytime to make sure that I get everyone's attention that I need my writing space now and that it is my turn to be alone?
The thing is, I hate doing that because it will spoil my mood and chase away my muse. I will be successful in chasing people away together with my muse. That's not good.
All I want is to wake up one morning to find that my laptop is not being used by anyone. Nothing on the desktop has been changed. I can access my computer/laptop as and when I want to write. Nobody will be using the room at that time. Or, the next person occupying it know that it is my turn to enjoy the room and everything is peaceful.
Come to thing of it, I might as well move to the nearest cemetery!
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
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3 comments:
I know that feeling, kak. I also had to share my room with my sister. There was only two rooms in the house, one for my parents and one for me and 3 siblings to share. My two brother will sleep in the tiny hall. During the day time, the brothers will sneak in the room to use the mirror, or to prepare for school and sometimes to feel what was it like to sleep on a bed. It was hard back then. I helped support my mother (who's single now) to renovate the house and add two more rooms. The two original rooms have been expanded to one, so we have three rooms now. On for my little brother, one for my mother and the expanded one for me, hubby and son. But the space is never enough. With sister and her 3 kids living in the hall, I think I have to move out to spare them a space.
Recently, I moved to a rented house in Damansara. It has 3 rooms, one for me and hubby, one for son and the other one as home office. I think I finally got privacy, not in a sense of self privacy but my own family privacy.
Talking about a room of one's own, I can imagine how your feeling is. I feel so lucky because I have my own privacy room in my office though I haven’t got it in my mother’s house. Since I have seven siblings, so to have a room of my own during that time doesn’t border me much. We used to be so simple and whatever we have we appreciated it. The older always remind us to ‘ukur baju di badan sendiri’. Maybe at that time I was not really requires that kind of privacy. What I need most was the quiet and clean place to study. During that time, I remembered I was in form six.I started writing a love poem because I already have secret admire at that time. I thought maybe because of that, I can smoothly write a love poem, but now only I realize that actually the writing talent is inside me long ago. Event during that time, my former teacher, was very surprised when he coincidently had read one of my poems that I pace it on top of the table.
When I was appointed as an Editor-In-Chief in Suara Melaka, the Melaka State tabloid newspaper, I have no privacy room at all. I have given one level where all the unused stuff such as newspaper, paper work, books and others had been put there (is like a dumpling store). You can imagined how can one’s work at that kind of environment. However, I managed to publish my job (newspaper) every month without fail. If we always be patient, I belief, we will be blessed by God. Some other good time perhaps not in this moment. Do you know, because of my passion and sincerity in my working place, I therefore have given a big room last two years back. I really thank to God. Now, I enjoy going to work everyday though sometimes the work burden simply made my head cramp till have no time to keep writing new novel because of the tiredness.
I too always wanted my own room. Growing up in a 2 bedroom-low cost-house didn't give me that privilage. I was not a regular resident in the house by the time I was a teenager. Instead of the boys sleeping on the couch in the living room, I had to sleep there. I remember having to chase my brother's friends who hang around the house after midnight so that I could go to bed, or to be more accurate, to couch. :-D
Now that I am staying in a house of my own, with all the space just for me except for the one room for my mum, I really appreciate it. I told myself I will always maintain a space for myself, even when I am married. A home office or a study is a must! He he...
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